||[Nov. 29th, 2006|06:35 pm]
|||||Siren by Tori Amos||]|
I almost never update its crazy! Well all I can say is that this semester has taught me alot, but also had some kind of effect on me. I feel really weird now! I've been taking these online quizzes for depression. I took like three and they tell me I need to seek help. I know something has changed in me, but I don't know if its more towards stress related anxiety or actual depression. I have been sleeping alot lately and don't really want to wake up. I have to literally force myself most of the time. Sometimes I feel this utter sense of despair and low self confidence. Other times I feel like I have no future, even though I know its not true. When I fainted last week and woke up, I felt like I was ripped from a peaceful state of mind. I had an anxiety attack and I have never had one of those before. I also have had chest pains, not so much lately, but they were really bad a few weeks ago.
I made an appointment to see a counselor next week, to talk about things. I know I have support, but I also feel utterly lonely. Like I just want to curl up in a ball and sit in a corner and just cry. I haven't been able to cry for a long time, the only time I really have cried this semester was after I fainted. I just feel numb you know and I don't know why. I mean I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't exist. If I was never born you know? I don't know I just don't feel like myself lately. I have to force myself to pay attention and do my schoolwork, and I do, but its hard. I have a strong family background of depression, so it just scares me. I mean sometimes I get depressed, but it usually goes away, this time it just seems like its not going away. I worry about school, money, my health, my future and my grandparents. I'm really afraid that I will never find someone to make me happy. I'm just like a magnet to guys who are losers and don't care.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm going through the motions and its been tough. I don't really feel like anyone can understand, that why I need to see a counselor. This feeling just seemed to pop out of nowhere and its plaguing me. I don't think its normal at all to feel like this and I want to get help before it worsens. Its just going to suck if I find out I really have depression, because then I would have to go on medications and tell my parents about it. I don't know I'm just not happy right now, I'm still able to carry out day to day functions but I feel like I just lost something, or am missing something important. The additional stress of classes, clinical, grades, clubs and responsibilities are not helping at all! I mean I just look in the mirror and I find so many problems with myself, stuff I really want to change. This feeling really scares me and I really need help!