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arthi232187

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Trip to India [Dec. 20th, 2006|04:07 pm]
arthi232187
I might go to India very soon, granted I won't get to stay as long as I would like but can you believe it? I know I can't I really really want to see my grandparents and our land and my extended family!
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(no subject) [Nov. 29th, 2006|06:35 pm]
arthi232187
[Current Location |Computer lab]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |Siren by Tori Amos]

I almost never update its crazy! Well all I can say is that this semester has taught me alot, but also had some kind of effect on me. I feel really weird now! I've been taking these online quizzes for depression. I took like three and they tell me I need to seek help. I know something has changed in me, but I don't know if its more towards stress related anxiety or actual depression. I have been sleeping alot lately and don't really want to wake up. I have to literally force myself most of the time. Sometimes I feel this utter sense of despair and low self confidence. Other times I feel like I have no future, even though I know its not true. When I fainted last week and woke up, I felt like I was ripped from a peaceful state of mind. I had an anxiety attack and I have never had one of those before. I also have had chest pains, not so much lately, but they were really bad a few weeks ago.

I made an appointment to see a counselor next week, to talk about things. I know I have support, but I also feel utterly lonely. Like I just want to curl up in a ball and sit in a corner and just cry. I haven't been able to cry for a long time, the only time I really have cried this semester was after I fainted. I just feel numb you know and I don't know why. I mean I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn't exist. If I was never born you know? I don't know I just don't feel like myself lately. I have to force myself to pay attention and do my schoolwork, and I do, but its hard. I have a strong family background of depression, so it just scares me. I mean sometimes I get depressed, but it usually goes away, this time it just seems like its not going away. I worry about school, money, my health, my future and my grandparents. I'm really afraid that I will never find someone to make me happy. I'm just like a magnet to guys who are losers and don't care.

I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm going through the motions and its been tough. I don't really feel like anyone can understand, that why I need to see a counselor. This feeling just seemed to pop out of nowhere and its plaguing me. I don't think its normal at all to feel like this and I want to get help before it worsens. Its just going to suck if I find out I really have depression, because then I would have to go on medications and tell my parents about it. I don't know I'm just not happy right now, I'm still able to carry out day to day functions but I feel like I just lost something, or am missing something important. The additional stress of classes, clinical, grades, clubs and responsibilities are not helping at all! I mean I just look in the mirror and I find so many problems with myself, stuff I really want to change. This feeling really scares me and I really need help!
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Crazy clinical day! [Nov. 21st, 2006|11:35 pm]
arthi232187
Recapp of clinical day 11/21/06. Well let me see how do I begin? I got to watch a bone marrow biopsy today and although it was a cool procedure to watch, it was difficult when the patient was in pain. It was the end of the procedure and the doctor was just putting the bandage on. I start to feel a little sick and was planning to sit down after everyone was finished. I was standing the whole time during this procedure, which took approximately 40mins or so. All of a sudden I have this dream, and I wake up to someone calling my name. The first thing that goes through my mind was what the hell am I doing in the hospital, I thought i was asleep! I was pretty much speechless. When I sat up I all of the sudden started shaking and had was hyperventilating. I didn't know what was going on so I started crying. My instructor ran in and told me to try to take slow deep breaths and try to calmn down. I was trying but my body was freaking out and had very little control over it. This made me freak out even more. I had a very unsteady gait and was a little weak and lethargic. I was helped in to a wheelchair and taken to the ER. My BP 110/60 (normal), HR 90 (normal), BS 147 (high). I'm guessing my blood sugar was high because of stress, because all I had in @ 5:30am was half a sandwich and had a few tiny sips of juice after I fainted at 10ish. So after all that they made me wait like an hour to get into the ER. They assessed me and everything. They discharged me in like 5mins, because they felt I didn't need a CT, or labs drawn. Which makes sense because I didn't really hit my head that hard, I actually hit it against the door so it saved my head. I was also breathing regularly and stopped shaking, I also didn't feel as lethargic. So after that I went back to clinical and went through post-conference. Apparently everyone was worried about me even my patient. What a day! It was so weird because this never happend to me before. Oh well I guess theres a first for everything.
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(no subject) [Jun. 14th, 2006|01:02 pm]
arthi232187
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]

This has been the worse week so far. I get offered a job at Sears and I they tell me I need to submit some documents such as my drivers license and social security card. I find that I no longer have my social security card and have no idea where it is! So I go to the social security office to get a new one and find out that my green card expired six years ago!!! I start freaking out thinking they are going to deport me or something. I go to the immigration office and find out that they can't put a validation stamp on my passport until I sent in the paperwork and get a receipt. That takes two weeks!!! That stamp only lasts 90days. I have to wait for my new green card, which will take anywhere from 3months to be processed and sent. Meanwhile my very caring parents (sacastically) never filed my citizenship when I was younger, so I could get automatic citizenship. Instead they are making me wait months to get my renewed green card and then apply for citizenship which will take over a year to process. Many things could go wrong during that processing and I might not even get it. After it is processed I have to go the immigration building in chicago to take an exam and an oath and the line I heard starts from blocks away. So i'm without a social security card, without a green card and without proof I can even stay in this country. All thanks to my wonderful parents for not evening filling up a simple form earlier when I was underage, so it could make my life a little simpler. My mother is a citizen and my brother is a citizen. They will never have to deal with this crap. This week has been an absolute nightmare i'm just waiting for the sky to fall on me. Whats the point I might as well not even exist without these documents. I can't get any jobs right now because I have no documentation at all. Permanent residency my ass, there are no benefits unless you are a US citizen. I have been living here for 16 years and my parents couldn't have taken a couple hours of their time to apply for my citizenship? I guess i'm just not that important.
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Sad world! [Mar. 26th, 2006|05:51 am]
arthi232187
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |Only the Lonely]

Hey everyone!
School is winding down and I feel like i'm not moving at a face enough pace. My schedule is so weird this semester its like tuesday and wednesday is the busiest day for me, but i'm pretty much free thursday and friday . However, I have enough homework to last me a lifetime. If theres one thing I have learned about nursing its that it is a stuggle. I mean you always learn something new, theres always different cases, different people and attitudes.
You never know whats going to happen that day, life is like a rollercoaster ride theres ups and downs. This semester I have felt my fair share of ups and downs. Its so weird i feel like i have a slight case of bipolar disorder, but its probably just normal. I have stress, but I also create it in my head. I mean aside from school thers alot i'm thinking about.
I still can't stop thinking about Hari, I mean its gotten better from before, but its still hard to get over. I mean it was great when we actually saw each other, but other than that he is one strange guy. I'm going to be treasurer of Circle K next year, which is going to be interesting. I hope I do a good job for the club, I've never taken that position before, so i'm going to try my best and i'm not that best at math but at least i have a calculator lol! I probably will take and exec. positon in IEC next year also. Those are two things that require quite a bit of dedication, but those are the two clubs i'm really passionate about other than CANS (Carroll Student Nurses Association). Its been fun this year, but I wonder if i'm having too much fun and not enough hardwork.
Sometimes I wish I was a natural genius like most of my cousins are. In all reality I know i'm smart but in a different kind of way. I mean its takes me a while to understand a difficult concept, but I eventually can understand it. When it comes to pictures I have a good memory of that in my mind. Pictographic memory is something I have been using for the most part as a child.
I think the biggest problem i'm facing with myself this year is what have I got to offer? I'm not extremely smart, I definately have my strong sides. I'm definately not perfect , I mean I probably have more stupid moments than the average person. I mean the good things are that I am a nice person and I truly care about people and want to make an impact on their lives. I mean I know I have alot of things to improve about myself and I'm working on it as fast as I can, but is it enough? I just don't know! I'm honored to be in college at all, but theres so many disadvantages that I have.
Maybe someday I can answer these questions for myself. Sometimes all I want is to see my grandmother and know everything is ok. I mean there are a few people that care about me i'm sure, but I have a connection with her like no one else. I don't how long she has to live, but I hope I get to see her at least once before she dies. I just don't think its fair that everyone has seen her except me.
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Life sucks sometimes! [Mar. 3rd, 2006|01:39 pm]
arthi232187
[mood |distresseddistressed]
[music |My Immortal]

I haven't written in a while! Well the positive points this semester, I'm learning alot through clinicals, I am having fun with friends during my free time. I don't have any serious financial problems yet. I dont' know but lately i've been feeling really down. I know there are friends to talk to and I am busy, but its not that. I can't exactly pinpoint why i'm sooooo down. Its something I can't really explain I guess! I just feel sort of numb or our of it sometimes and can't seem to enjoy whatever it is that i'm doing. I dont' know whats going on with me hopefully i'll find out sometime soon!
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(no subject) [Jan. 8th, 2006|10:17 pm]
arthi232187
St Paul to the Corinthians 13: 4-8 8, 13 Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish, it does not take offence, nor is it resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end. There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.

This poem is from the Bible as you see, but I was introduced through A Walk To Remember. Can you believe I just saw it for the first time this break. It was a really good movie, but overall I think it had an even better morals. Its so true though true love is all these things. Hopefully one day i'll find love like this. Looking back on past relationships I can't tell if it was really true love. If I question it, then its probably not. Just a random thought this quote touched my heart.
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2005|09:11 pm]
arthi232187
Hey everyone Happy Holidays!!!! I hope everyone is having a wonderful and relaxing break! I just found out today that I got a BC in Pharmacology oh lord how I was dreading my grade in that class before. It was really difficult and I thought for sure, I failed my final. Well thankfully he curves the exams because I do think he realizes that the exams are quite difficult. I learned alot from the class and our teacher was very nice and understanding. I'm anticipating my finals grades for all my classes so far I have two ABs and once BC but I still have to wait for Patho and NRS232.
God willingly it will be good grades. I had alot of fun 1st semester, I didn't get to hang out with my new hall friends as much, but we did get together a few times which is better than nothing I guess. If it wasn't for my great roomate and my bud, Jeremy I would have been so depressed. I hope I will get into junior clinicals this year and I hope I will do well.
Its so nice to be in a house again and not a small dorm. Granted our dorm is one of the bigger ones it dosen't have its own bathroom or kitchen, which sucks. So get this, theres this guy from my highschool who is like a year younger than me and he's cute and well built. I never really noticed him in highschool, but I saw him in Myspace and read his profile. He seems like such a nice guy and I really wanna get to know him a little better and maybe even be good friends with him. My ex has been acting weird lately calling me for no particular reason and then not talking I don't really understand guys! Well thats my rant for tonight. Goodnight everyone have a fun break see you for the spring semester!
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new cell [Jul. 28th, 2005|02:26 pm]
arthi232187
Hi guys just wanted to let you guys know my new cell number (708) 826-0559! Its so weird but lately i've reliazed that I have way more in common with older people than i do with people my own age! Weird! Maybe I just have an old soul.
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bday pics [Jul. 21st, 2005|02:29 pm]
arthi232187
Heres some pics like I said I would post!


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